Can The Affair Be Survived?

Dear Dr. Bill,

I cannot believe I am writing this letter. Two weeks ago, I discovered suspicious looking e-mails written by my wife to a man at her work. What I found were dozens and dozens of love letters, many containing very explicit sexual content. Yes, my wife had been having an affair with a guy at work for almost a year. She says she is very sorry and has ended the relationship. I am devastated, angry and afraid. I can’t imagine ever feeling secure in this relationship again. We have two beautiful children.  Can we ever get past this? 

Signed: Devastated in Stillwater.

Dear Devastated: My heart goes out to you and your wife. An affair is a tsunami to a marriage. The damage is incomprehensible. While it will be hard work, the good news is that it has been estimated that two-thirds of marriages survive affairs. My guess is that of those that survive, far too many eventually sweep the affair under the rug and never really deal with it. Try not to make that mistake. Trust and affection can be restored.

I think you have two major tasks. One is recovering from the affects of the affair and two is taking a hard look at your marriage itself. Be honest. How strong was your marriage before this happened? I would like to be very clear on one point. The state of your marriage prior to the affair does not justify your wife’s decision to have an affair. The previous marriage condition is never an excuse for that. But after helping couples in postaffair recovery for some time, I’ve never seen a great close marriage in existence prior to an affair. I always see years of decay.

Recovery will take time. I’ve seen estimates that it takes two years to process through all the issues. Take a look at the website www.dearpeggy.com. There is a ton of information about affair recovery and support groups. A great book on the topic is After The Affair by Janis Spring. Its important that you understand what is happening to you and your wife as you recover. Your wife feels a sense of relief that the burden of her secret has been lifted. She feels intense guilt and shame and is ready to be forgiven and move on. You on the other hand have just awakened to find that the world is not what you thought it was. You are just adjusting to this new reality. Your brain is trying to make sense out of a world that was not what it seemed. You likely have a million questions. You will think of a day when she came home late from work and wonder if that was one of the times they met. I think your wife should be prepared to have patience and answer all of your questions. That will be hard for her. It will get old in a hurry. But part of restoring trust with you is being willing to tell you the truth. My suggestion to you is that you ask general questions but don’t get into gory details. There are certain images that you do not want to plant in your mind. The first three months will be very hard for both of you. But it does get better.

The second task is to take an objective look at your marriage. It will be easier to do this in a few months. I suggest you consider a marriage weekend like Retrouvaille or Marriage Encounter. I just love the title of this book: My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht. She is careful to add that it was also the hardest thing and for a while she thought she might not to be able to get through it. But the point is they did more than just recover. They rebuilt their marriage. So can you.

Let me close by saying this. God is bigger than the problems in your marriage. Pray for hope. Learn how to forgive. A healed marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children and you.

Abusive relationships need to be recognized to start healing process

Dear Dr. Bill,

I live in an emotionally abusive marriage. My husband is often angry, manipulative, critical, controlling and sarcastic. No matter what goes wrong, he blames me. I am sad and miserable and simply can’t take it anymore.  Once I understood that I was a victim of emotional abuse, I tried to

get him to admit he was abusive and insisted he get help. He refuses and blames me all the more. He actually says this is my fault! My self-esteem is now in the toilet. Though we have young children, it seems like divorce is my only escape.  What can I do?

Signed, 

Hurting in Stillwater

Dear Hurting,

My heart goes out to you. You are in a very painful situation. I hear the hopelessness in your words. To live in the marriage you describe is extremely difficult. You are on the verge of divorce and that must be sad and scary.

You need a miracle. Fortunately, God is still in the miracle business. Almost everyday, I see hardhearted folks have a change of heart. People who it seemed would never change finally get to a place in their journey where something happens. The world suddenly looks different and they slowly begin to soften, change, heal and grow. Waiting and praying for that day seems like an eternity. I pray that day comes for you.

I want to say this as gently as I can. I strongly suggest you stop referring to yourself as a victim and your husband as an abuser. I know it is becoming increasingly popular to apply this label. Many books have been written on the subject of helping to identify emotional or verbal abuse, and I suspect you’ve read one or more of them. I am certain the authors are well meaning. Please hear me clearly; the behavior you describe is unloving, unscriptural and unacceptable. I repeat unacceptable. But calling him an abuser makes him unacceptable. Without a doubt, he has damaged self-esteem already and accusing him of being an abuser and requiring him to wear that label tattooed on his forehead is a recipe for a stalemate that will result in no change and possibly end in divorce.  Further, it positions you as a victim, whose only power is to deliver an ultimatum: "Accept you are an abusive husband or I will take the children and leave."  Few angry and wounded men will respond to that ultimatum. Most will fight even harder.

The book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans is a classic example of this abuser/victim approach. The first two reviews I read on www.amazon.com were from women who highly recommended it. Both were able to recognize their husbands as abusers and shortly

thereafter leave their marriages. The first reviewer said: “I read it on Monday, I filed for divorce on

Friday.” A review from a similar book was from a husband whose wife had given him the book so he could recognize himself as an abuser. After reading the book he became convinced that his wife was the abuser, which she steadfastly denied.

You have three choices.

1) Continue to live in misery; 2) Get divorced; 3) Get help working on your marriage. I propose the latter.

Your husband will not likely get help alone because he is convinced the problem is you. Neither of you has an accurate picture of your marriage. Admit to your husband that you both need help and propose counseling for you both. And if he won’t go, find a counselor who will help you heal and make the changes you need to make without vilifying your husband. If you can focus on how you need to heal and grow, you will be better able to respond rather than react to your husband. You are not responsible for his angry demeaning behavior, but his behavior triggers pain in you, and most people in pain react in messy ways. Hurt people hurt people.  Remember this: People who are controlling are deep down inside afraid of losing control. It is a form of protectiveness. Somehow life taught them that if you don’t carefully manage things, something bad will happen.  In the beginning, your husband’s control may have looked like strength and been a positive for you. Over time, you probably began to reject and react to his need to control and the battle began.  You can grow to disengage from your part of this cycle.That may allow him to feel unthreatened enough to be able to hear what he needs to do. And if he chooses not to, you still have choices. Make your choices out

of a healed inner self rather than one that needs to run.