SEX Starved and Angry….Now What?

Dear Dr. Bill,
We have a huge problem in our marriage of 8 years and two wonderful
kids. I am much more interested our physical relationship than my wife is
and it’s making me crazy. I resent that everything with her gets higher
priority than my needs and when I try to talk about it, she turns it around
on me and says sex is all that matters to me and that I am only interested
in her when its about sex. While that is not true, I can’t seem to ever get
that point made with her. I feel really trapped. If I bring up the subject, it
always ends badly and if I don’t, nothing ever happens. Either way it
results in my needs not being met. She has a list of my problems which
are to blame for our sexless (well almost) marriage. She says I am not
emotionally available, work too much, and don’t help out nearly enough
with the kids. Come on, I’m a guy! I’m not exactly sure what a
metrosexual is, but it is certainly not me. Any suggestions for convincing
my wife to change her priorities? Don’t I have some “biblical” right in all of
this?

Dear Not a Metrosexual,
I agree you have a problem and you are not alone. Michelle Weiner
Davis, in her book, The Sex Starved Marriage describes every marriage
as having a high desire spouse and a low desire spouse. I am guessing
that about 60% of the time, the high desire spouse is the guy. It surprises
many how often the high desire spouse is the woman. If the difference in
desire between both partners is significant, it creates a serious problem.
This is not a simple biological difference. The proof is that most marriages
don’t start out with this problem. You may bitterly remember that it wasn’t
always this way.
What has happened? The answer is that marriage is a complex system.
Think of it as an engine. A lot of things need to be working right for it to
start during a cold Minnesota morning. Have one of a dozen things
broken or out of balance, and it’s a no go. Cold, alone and going
nowhere. Same as you in your marriage. When I counsel couples, I
always ask the one who is bothered by something to look inside first.
They usually hate that. But how are you contributing to the problem that
bothers you so much? I can tell you from your letter. You are angry,
resentful, blaming and almost certainly adding in a liberal dose of guilt and
pressure. You are keeping score, probably punishing at times and
selfishly putting your needs first. Image you have been dating a beautiful
woman for the past six months. Now imagine you have been treating her
exactly like you have treated your wife for the last six months. How’s that
dating romance going now? Exactly.

You have had a very human reaction to your needs not being met. “My
back is not being scratched, so why should I scratch hers”. Human yes,
but a reaction which usually leads to a negative spiral in marriage. And
while we’re being honest, I think you are on pretty thin biblical ice as well.
I know about the verse which the high desire spouses always quote about
not withholding our bodies from one another. For now, it will help you the
most to focus on loving your wife as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25)
and being patient and kind and not keeping records of wrongs (ICor 13).
Your wife is also playing a role in this and I’ll address her part in a future
column. For now, its time the engine of your marriage had its oil changed.
Flush out the bitterness and begin dating your wife again. It is the right
thing to do and it will make a difference.

SMILE

            Did you know there are 43 muscles in our face, some of which we use when we smile? Our smile conveys our mood and our disposition. It also relates to others our general attitude about life. Whether we view the glass as half-full or half-empty can often be seen in the way we engage the world, especially through the smile we extend to others.

            Positive psychology researcher, Martin Seligman, Ph.D, is the author of “Authentic Happiness.” He reports that of the two smiles, the Duchenne and the Pan American, only the Duchenne is genuine and sincere. Named for the man who discovered the muscles that create this smile, we know it as the smile in which the corners of our mouth turn up and the skin around our eyes creates crow’s feet. The Pan American smile, by contrast, is named after the flight attendant’s whose smile was sometimes inauthentic and insincere. This smile held none of the features of the Duchenne smile, which relates an honest and heartfelt sense of well-being.

            Have you ever been walking in a store and had another shopper generously and without any intent, offer a congenial smile? It can lift our day and help us to remember to look on the brighter side of life, if only for that moment.

            Taking the opportunity to smile at the waitress and ask about her day as she takes your order will offer happiness to her day, and to yours as well. The old adage of, “The way you throw the ball out is the way it will come back to you,” is so true.

            How do we choose to engage the world? I know that when I am teaching, I can become so busy that I realize during the last hour of the day that I have not smiled one time since I awakened in the morning. I may wonder why it was that I felt so lackluster and tired, and it may be directly related to whether I chose to be fully part of the world that day or not.

            What will it cost us today to smile at someone and wish them well? Happy people are often the optimists who spread good cheer and contentedness as they move throughout the events of their day. It’s almost as if they exude a ray of sunshine with each step. To follow after them is a joy.

            We often witness such a legacy in children. The next time you have a chance to take your children or grandchildren to a park, sit on a bench and just watch the children and listen to their laughter. You will likely see a child or two who simply bring delight with their light-heartedness and the sense of fun they radiate. It makes you want to join in, even at the cost of looking ridiculous.

            To participate in such good, old-fashioned, free fun seems like a luxury today. We have become so programmed and regimented that we have forgotten the simple pleasure of swinging, running at the park, playing catch with a friend or playing tag.

            I stopped to chat with a neighbor friend one night last week when I was on my walk. I told her what I was writing about and she commented that smiling is so good for us, and that when she needs to feel better, she knows exactly whom to call.

            We all have that special friend who can make us laugh, and we know the moment we sit with them over coffee or at a game, we will begin to feel better about life. Such a friend is a friend, indeed.

            Are you that person for someone in your life? Do people look forward to being with you and taking away some of your happiness and joyfulness about life?

            Take time this week to think about and do something fun and enjoyable, just for the fun of it. Really participate in life and let the people you are with know how much they mean to you.

            Just as I was leaving my friend she said, “Hey, Kate, I have the title for your article. ‘Smile: No Botox needed!’” Of course, we both laughed.

This article is used with permission by the Woodbury Bulletin.

[Marriage Series] Loving Complaints Require Self Examination :: Step Three

Step Three: Speak the Truth in Love. This is not easy and is almost
impossible while you are angry. Cool off. Wait an hour or longer. You
must have a soft start. Don’t begin with an harsh language. “I need to tell
you how wrong you were last night” will rarely lead to a mutually loving
conversation. Start with an expression of hope and love. “I love you and
want us to grow closer together.” Follow immediately with ownership. “I’m
52
far from perfect and know I’m not the best at hearing criticism” “My stuff is
involved here too, this is not just about you”. The next ingredient is benefit
of the doubt. “You probably didn’t mean it this way, but when you
said__________, it really hurt my feelings. Even when I’m 99.9% sure
they did it on purpose, I’m often wrong about their motivations and benefit
of the doubt helps them hear what I’m saying without getting defensive.
The next ingredient is forgiveness. “I do love you and forgive you and I
won’t hold this against you or remind you of it”. The final ingredient is your
own apology. What you say? She hurt me! True but I’d say about 95% of
the time, we sin in response to being hurt. “I want you to know that I’m
sorry I got so mad” “I’m sorry I pouted all afternoon”. “I’m sorry I reacted
so strongly.” Generally, you won’t have to dig very deeply to find your
unloving response.

[Marriage Series] Loving Complaints Require Self Examination :: Step Two

Step Two: Own Your Part. Ask yourself what was going on in you when
the incident occurred. Are you sensitive to embarrassment or criticism?
Do you care too much what others think? Are you defensive? Look for
the part in you that made this event even harder than it might have been.
Even if she was clearly wrong, how did your temperament make it even
harder. Hint: If it was uncomfortable enough for you to want to confront
your wife over it, your buttons were very likely pushed. Your buttons are
your soft spots.