Wanting Physical Touch just for Affection

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have a problem. It seems like every time he gets affectionate, it is for one reason and one reason alone, and that reason is sex. I would like it if we just held hands or cuddled more often, and that was all we did. It has gotten to the point where I almost flinch when he touches me, because by experience, I know exactly where it is leading. I have complained about this to him, but it never changes. 

Signed,

 Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used,

You are not alone in this struggle. I have heard a similar problem many times in my practice. I also hear men saying that they get very frustrated trying to read the minds of their wives. “ How am I supposed to know whether this is a time for touch alone or the whole deal?” I also hear women say that there are many times when they would like to caress their husband but don’t because “he has a one track mind and will get the wrong idea”. Most men and women enjoy loving touch. Here’s how to get more of it:

Rule number one is to discuss this in a way that does not sound like a complaint or criticism. To the often-stubborn human ear, there is a tremendous difference between hearing: “all you ever want is sex. Why can’t you ever just rub my back without demanding sex as well?” and “I just love cuddling with you, and it would be great if we could do it more.” Ask for what you want without criticizing the past. This is key to better couples’ communication.

My second suggestion is to develop a new language to differentiate between desires for sexual versus non-sexual touch. For example, to want to “cuddle” would mean touch alone and to “snuggle” would mean a desire for touch leading to lovemaking. Make up your own words. Let this be a playful discussion. I think great marriages have at least as much cuddling as snuggling. With this language, expectations are made clear in an easy-to-hear way. That will help avoid misunderstandings, disappointments and hurt feelings later. And guess what?  Misunderstandings, disappointments and hurt feelings are bad for intimacy of any type.

Finally, have a conversation with your spouse about what touch they like. Go to school on what feels good to them. You may think you know, but asking is not only a loving thing to do, you may be surprised that your assumptions all these years were wrong. Our skin is the largest organ of our body. Get to know your spouses largest organ better.  

And for those spouses who wish for more lovemaking in their marriage, make an investment in touch alone. Give the gift of touch to your spouse not to get something in return, but because it is the loving thing to do.  Spouses who feel loved and cherished are almost always for receptive to intimacy. Pray for balance in this part of your marriage. If your love life has become unsatisfying, and distant, get help. In our practice, we work with couples all the time that need help working through sexual issues. This is a sensitive topic loaded with potential problems.  Far too many couples let decades go by in pain. If you can’t work this out alone, don’t make the mistake of not seeking help.

Is “IF” Undermining Your Marriage?

Perhaps you have felt this way about your marriage at one time or

another?

“I wonder if I’ve married the right person?” “I wonder if we can work this

out?” “I wonder if I will ever be happy in this marriage?” “I’m willing to

hang in there for a while but I’m not sure if it was meant to be”

It makes sense to me that people ask these questions. Marriage almost

always contains, at some time, very significant disappointment. Our

spouse is not the knight in shining armor we remembered from dating.

After careful inspection, there is considerable tarnish on the armor that

once shone with brilliant luster. What happened to that spouse who would

speak and share their inner thoughts for endless hours? And those

breathless kisses that we were sure would never end? We live in a fallen

world and life can be hard. Disappointments are inevitable and doubt can

become a seed that grows. And as it grows, it saps the very strength so

desperately needed to sustain and grow a mature secure marriage.

Overcoming marital struggles is often a Herculean task. It can be a battle

requiring every ounce of perseverance you can muster and you don’t want

to be overcome by doubt.

Who will you follow into battle? What coach or teacher motivated you to

do more than you thought you could ever accomplish? Be careful that thisis not your battle cry:

“Ok team, go on out there and try, but I’m not sure if you’re up to the job

today. Try not to get your butts kicked. Ready?”

Remember the Robin Williams’ movie Good Will Hunting? Matt Damon

played a tough South Boston youth who while working as a janitor for MIT,

solved an impossible to solve calculus problem scribbled on the

blackboard. What Damon didn’t know about the problem was that it had

been thought to be impossible to solve. I propose the outcome would

have been different had the problem been labeled “unsolvable”.

What if your marriage seems “unsolvable”? How will you use your talents

and energy? Will it be a life or death struggle where you leave no stone

unturned and try and explore every possible avenue determined to

succeed? Or will you spend endless hours pondering the pros and cons

of divorce? The very peace and happiness you long for may be

sabotaged by the distraction of energy that “if” requires.

You are not alone and there is hope. A study headed by University of

Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found that two-thirds of unhappily married

spouses who stayed married reported they were happy five years later.Even among those who said they were very unhappy, 80% reported being happily married five years later.

Wake up each day praying for God to give you the strength to be the best

spouse you can be and that He gives you hope and the strength to

persevere. Read a book on how one spouse can change a marriage. (email

me and I’ll send you a list). Reduce or eliminate conversations with

people you know who won’t support and encourage your marriage. Find a

mature happily married person of the same sex to be a mentor and keep

you focused on what you need to do. Go to counseling to work on your

part, with or without your spouse.

God is bigger than the problems in your marriage. He will help you solve

the unsolvable. Fight negative “if” thinking. The breakthrough that you

need may be around the next bend in the road.

-William L. Rush, Ph.D.,LP