A Non-Divorce Alternative to Misery

Dear Dr. Bill,

I’ve been reading your columns and have just one question. What planet do you live on? I can’t believe your Pollyannaish advice is very helpful in the real world. In my world, my husband is cold and distant and often blaming me for everything from our finances to not being interested in sex. The only peace I have is dreaming of the day I can be free. You don’t seem to believe in divorce, but does your God want me to live in this misery? Be realistic.

Dear Realistic,

My heart goes out to you. You are not the first person to ask me about my home planet. I am certain that you have a lot of company: Marriages trudging along in silent misery. There is nothing worse than the pain that comes from living in an affectionless relationship for so long that there is no hope of things ever changing. To be honest, I live in a profession where I see many apparently hopeless marriages. These marriages are locked in a spiral. The wife is convinced she is married to a controlling jerk, and her husband is just as convinced his wife is a critical disrespecting wench. They are locked in a feud that rivals the Hatfields and the McCoys, both profoundly convinced the other makes it impossible to be nice, both waiting for the other to change.

Obviously, many marriages never get better. I hope yours is not one of them. I have come to believe that God is bigger than the problems in marriage. I am convinced God still performs miracles. I have seen marriages heal which had to include a miracle. What I don’t know is why the miracles don’t always happen. Someday I hope to ask God that very question. People do change and they change when we least expect it.

Here’s some more pollyannaish advice that has worked. I think sowing and reaping is a law of the universe. It is part of the natural order of things. Sow hate and you will not reap love, only hate. I once lived in a neighborhood with a 12 year old boy who was known as a rude troublemaker. I personally didn’t like him. For some reason, my wife decided to treat this little boy with great warmth and affection. Every time she saw him, she called him by name and enthusiastically asked him how he was doing and wished him a great day. In a very short period of time, this boy began to melt. His eyes would light up when he saw my wife’s warm smile. She graciously had decided to treat him not as his behavior warranted. Amazingly he changed into the way he was treated. And yes, I think there is a little boy inside of your husband. You have very likely been treating him just like he deserves. And he has been doing the same to you. Consider doing something very unreasonable and certainly not fair. Treat him the way you want him to be. Sow seeds of love and respect, even while he doesn’t deserve it. And if you do, on the planet I come from, we believe you will receive a harvest of love and respect.

What I don’t ever know, is when the harvest will come or where it will come from. If you do this, it will be hard, and many will say you are a sucker. Waiting for the harvest won’t be easy. And I have more bad news. Your husband may never change. But this one thing is very clear to me. What you are doing now is not working, and if you are in a classic marriage feud, one side will need to change and go first. I believe you can find joy in doing the right thing. God knew it would be easy to love the

lovable. That’s why he commanded us to forgive and love our enemies. Pray to God to give you the strength to find hope and peace in the midst of these trials and you will be blessed in some way.

Can The Affair Be Survived?

Dear Dr. Bill,

I cannot believe I am writing this letter. Two weeks ago, I discovered suspicious looking e-mails written by my wife to a man at her work. What I found were dozens and dozens of love letters, many containing very explicit sexual content. Yes, my wife had been having an affair with a guy at work for almost a year. She says she is very sorry and has ended the relationship. I am devastated, angry and afraid. I can’t imagine ever feeling secure in this relationship again. We have two beautiful children.  Can we ever get past this? 

Signed: Devastated in Stillwater.

Dear Devastated: My heart goes out to you and your wife. An affair is a tsunami to a marriage. The damage is incomprehensible. While it will be hard work, the good news is that it has been estimated that two-thirds of marriages survive affairs. My guess is that of those that survive, far too many eventually sweep the affair under the rug and never really deal with it. Try not to make that mistake. Trust and affection can be restored.

I think you have two major tasks. One is recovering from the affects of the affair and two is taking a hard look at your marriage itself. Be honest. How strong was your marriage before this happened? I would like to be very clear on one point. The state of your marriage prior to the affair does not justify your wife’s decision to have an affair. The previous marriage condition is never an excuse for that. But after helping couples in postaffair recovery for some time, I’ve never seen a great close marriage in existence prior to an affair. I always see years of decay.

Recovery will take time. I’ve seen estimates that it takes two years to process through all the issues. Take a look at the website www.dearpeggy.com. There is a ton of information about affair recovery and support groups. A great book on the topic is After The Affair by Janis Spring. Its important that you understand what is happening to you and your wife as you recover. Your wife feels a sense of relief that the burden of her secret has been lifted. She feels intense guilt and shame and is ready to be forgiven and move on. You on the other hand have just awakened to find that the world is not what you thought it was. You are just adjusting to this new reality. Your brain is trying to make sense out of a world that was not what it seemed. You likely have a million questions. You will think of a day when she came home late from work and wonder if that was one of the times they met. I think your wife should be prepared to have patience and answer all of your questions. That will be hard for her. It will get old in a hurry. But part of restoring trust with you is being willing to tell you the truth. My suggestion to you is that you ask general questions but don’t get into gory details. There are certain images that you do not want to plant in your mind. The first three months will be very hard for both of you. But it does get better.

The second task is to take an objective look at your marriage. It will be easier to do this in a few months. I suggest you consider a marriage weekend like Retrouvaille or Marriage Encounter. I just love the title of this book: My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht. She is careful to add that it was also the hardest thing and for a while she thought she might not to be able to get through it. But the point is they did more than just recover. They rebuilt their marriage. So can you.

Let me close by saying this. God is bigger than the problems in your marriage. Pray for hope. Learn how to forgive. A healed marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children and you.

Abusive relationships need to be recognized to start healing process

Dear Dr. Bill,

I live in an emotionally abusive marriage. My husband is often angry, manipulative, critical, controlling and sarcastic. No matter what goes wrong, he blames me. I am sad and miserable and simply can’t take it anymore.  Once I understood that I was a victim of emotional abuse, I tried to

get him to admit he was abusive and insisted he get help. He refuses and blames me all the more. He actually says this is my fault! My self-esteem is now in the toilet. Though we have young children, it seems like divorce is my only escape.  What can I do?

Signed, 

Hurting in Stillwater

Dear Hurting,

My heart goes out to you. You are in a very painful situation. I hear the hopelessness in your words. To live in the marriage you describe is extremely difficult. You are on the verge of divorce and that must be sad and scary.

You need a miracle. Fortunately, God is still in the miracle business. Almost everyday, I see hardhearted folks have a change of heart. People who it seemed would never change finally get to a place in their journey where something happens. The world suddenly looks different and they slowly begin to soften, change, heal and grow. Waiting and praying for that day seems like an eternity. I pray that day comes for you.

I want to say this as gently as I can. I strongly suggest you stop referring to yourself as a victim and your husband as an abuser. I know it is becoming increasingly popular to apply this label. Many books have been written on the subject of helping to identify emotional or verbal abuse, and I suspect you’ve read one or more of them. I am certain the authors are well meaning. Please hear me clearly; the behavior you describe is unloving, unscriptural and unacceptable. I repeat unacceptable. But calling him an abuser makes him unacceptable. Without a doubt, he has damaged self-esteem already and accusing him of being an abuser and requiring him to wear that label tattooed on his forehead is a recipe for a stalemate that will result in no change and possibly end in divorce.  Further, it positions you as a victim, whose only power is to deliver an ultimatum: "Accept you are an abusive husband or I will take the children and leave."  Few angry and wounded men will respond to that ultimatum. Most will fight even harder.

The book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans is a classic example of this abuser/victim approach. The first two reviews I read on www.amazon.com were from women who highly recommended it. Both were able to recognize their husbands as abusers and shortly

thereafter leave their marriages. The first reviewer said: “I read it on Monday, I filed for divorce on

Friday.” A review from a similar book was from a husband whose wife had given him the book so he could recognize himself as an abuser. After reading the book he became convinced that his wife was the abuser, which she steadfastly denied.

You have three choices.

1) Continue to live in misery; 2) Get divorced; 3) Get help working on your marriage. I propose the latter.

Your husband will not likely get help alone because he is convinced the problem is you. Neither of you has an accurate picture of your marriage. Admit to your husband that you both need help and propose counseling for you both. And if he won’t go, find a counselor who will help you heal and make the changes you need to make without vilifying your husband. If you can focus on how you need to heal and grow, you will be better able to respond rather than react to your husband. You are not responsible for his angry demeaning behavior, but his behavior triggers pain in you, and most people in pain react in messy ways. Hurt people hurt people.  Remember this: People who are controlling are deep down inside afraid of losing control. It is a form of protectiveness. Somehow life taught them that if you don’t carefully manage things, something bad will happen.  In the beginning, your husband’s control may have looked like strength and been a positive for you. Over time, you probably began to reject and react to his need to control and the battle began.  You can grow to disengage from your part of this cycle.That may allow him to feel unthreatened enough to be able to hear what he needs to do. And if he chooses not to, you still have choices. Make your choices out

of a healed inner self rather than one that needs to run.

Wanting Physical Touch just for Affection

Dear Dr. Bill:

My husband and I have a problem. It seems like every time he gets affectionate, it is for one reason and one reason alone, and that reason is sex. I would like it if we just held hands or cuddled more often, and that was all we did. It has gotten to the point where I almost flinch when he touches me, because by experience, I know exactly where it is leading. I have complained about this to him, but it never changes. 

Signed,

 Feeling Used

Dear Feeling Used,

You are not alone in this struggle. I have heard a similar problem many times in my practice. I also hear men saying that they get very frustrated trying to read the minds of their wives. “ How am I supposed to know whether this is a time for touch alone or the whole deal?” I also hear women say that there are many times when they would like to caress their husband but don’t because “he has a one track mind and will get the wrong idea”. Most men and women enjoy loving touch. Here’s how to get more of it:

Rule number one is to discuss this in a way that does not sound like a complaint or criticism. To the often-stubborn human ear, there is a tremendous difference between hearing: “all you ever want is sex. Why can’t you ever just rub my back without demanding sex as well?” and “I just love cuddling with you, and it would be great if we could do it more.” Ask for what you want without criticizing the past. This is key to better couples’ communication.

My second suggestion is to develop a new language to differentiate between desires for sexual versus non-sexual touch. For example, to want to “cuddle” would mean touch alone and to “snuggle” would mean a desire for touch leading to lovemaking. Make up your own words. Let this be a playful discussion. I think great marriages have at least as much cuddling as snuggling. With this language, expectations are made clear in an easy-to-hear way. That will help avoid misunderstandings, disappointments and hurt feelings later. And guess what?  Misunderstandings, disappointments and hurt feelings are bad for intimacy of any type.

Finally, have a conversation with your spouse about what touch they like. Go to school on what feels good to them. You may think you know, but asking is not only a loving thing to do, you may be surprised that your assumptions all these years were wrong. Our skin is the largest organ of our body. Get to know your spouses largest organ better.  

And for those spouses who wish for more lovemaking in their marriage, make an investment in touch alone. Give the gift of touch to your spouse not to get something in return, but because it is the loving thing to do.  Spouses who feel loved and cherished are almost always for receptive to intimacy. Pray for balance in this part of your marriage. If your love life has become unsatisfying, and distant, get help. In our practice, we work with couples all the time that need help working through sexual issues. This is a sensitive topic loaded with potential problems.  Far too many couples let decades go by in pain. If you can’t work this out alone, don’t make the mistake of not seeking help.

Helping A Friend/Relative With Marriage Problems

Dear Dr. Bill,

My cousin has been married 15 years and has two children. Her career has required several moves that have been hard for her husband. She says “We don’t talk” and feels sad they “aren’t lovers

anymore”. Her husband doesn’t have time for counseling and she says she won’t go alone. My question is, how can I help? I know them both to be reasonable, loving and caring people. Is there

anything I can do? Is it possible or advisable to try to "help" other people's marriages? 

- Concerned Cousin

Dear Concerned,

I am so glad you wrote, as this is such a common problem. To begin with, your cousin trusted you enough to share some very personal information.  She may well listen to you, and how you respond could matter a great deal.  

I believe that most people, including the vast majority of therapists and Pastors would tell you that your job with your cousin is to remain a neutral supporter. Their counsel would be to listen to her, try to be supportive of her, but above all respect that she must decide whether to stay married or not.

And I think that advice is just bull.

Your cousin is teetering on the precipice of divorce. She is hurting and weary of a marriage that is badly broken. She wants more than anything to escape the pain. She may be getting ready to make a decision that will impact generations. You can’t tell her what to do, but you can be firmly pro-marriage. You may be just the person that God has put in her path to “speak the truth in love” to provide the hope and support she needs.  There is a great popular expression that “friends don’t let friends drive drunk”. There ought to be an expression that friends don’t let friends divorce without helping them fight for their marriage and encouraging them to leave no stone unturned before making such a decision.

Your cousin likely fears that she has only two choices. In choice A she continues to live in the misery of a broken distant marriage, and in choice B she gets divorced. Neither choice looks great but over time, people begin to rationalize the choice for divorce. You can help her see that there is always a choice C.  Choice C is healing, growth and change. In every marriage I have counseled, there are two people making mistakes. Two people who have been a bit bruised by life and are bouncing off of their spouse in unloving and unhealthy ways. Your cousin is certainly one such spouse. While it is regretful that her husband is not yet ready for counseling, that is out of her control. She can go to work on what she can control. She can work on her part. Frankly, she needs to do that whether she stays married or not. If she is ever to have a healthy relationship, she needs to understand the part of her that has contributed to the state of this marriage. In our practice, we call it “marriage counseling for one”. This is a surprise to most people, but marriage is a complex chemical reaction and if one part changes, the marriage will change. If your cousin is willing to work on her part, the marriage will change. I have often seen one spouse come to counseling and have the other spouse follow later. In

marriage counseling for one, we are very careful not to villainize or alienate the non-attending spouse. We focus on the parts the attending spouse can control and what they need to change. We, as individuals, have far more power to change our marriages than we realize.  

Finally, your cousin has two precious children who will be adversely impacted by a divorce. Most people delude themselves into believing “the children will be better off".  Suggest she read: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith Wallerstein. She will read about the long term impact divorce has on children and their future relationships from a researcher who followed a group of children over 25 years after their parents divorced. A must read for anyone considering such a big decision.  

I know I am asking you to “rock the boat” with your cousin and you may fear that she will be offended. It is a risk. I believe the future of marriage depends upon more people being willing to say, “I love you enough to risk offending you”.

Is “IF” Undermining Your Marriage?

Perhaps you have felt this way about your marriage at one time or

another?

“I wonder if I’ve married the right person?” “I wonder if we can work this

out?” “I wonder if I will ever be happy in this marriage?” “I’m willing to

hang in there for a while but I’m not sure if it was meant to be”

It makes sense to me that people ask these questions. Marriage almost

always contains, at some time, very significant disappointment. Our

spouse is not the knight in shining armor we remembered from dating.

After careful inspection, there is considerable tarnish on the armor that

once shone with brilliant luster. What happened to that spouse who would

speak and share their inner thoughts for endless hours? And those

breathless kisses that we were sure would never end? We live in a fallen

world and life can be hard. Disappointments are inevitable and doubt can

become a seed that grows. And as it grows, it saps the very strength so

desperately needed to sustain and grow a mature secure marriage.

Overcoming marital struggles is often a Herculean task. It can be a battle

requiring every ounce of perseverance you can muster and you don’t want

to be overcome by doubt.

Who will you follow into battle? What coach or teacher motivated you to

do more than you thought you could ever accomplish? Be careful that thisis not your battle cry:

“Ok team, go on out there and try, but I’m not sure if you’re up to the job

today. Try not to get your butts kicked. Ready?”

Remember the Robin Williams’ movie Good Will Hunting? Matt Damon

played a tough South Boston youth who while working as a janitor for MIT,

solved an impossible to solve calculus problem scribbled on the

blackboard. What Damon didn’t know about the problem was that it had

been thought to be impossible to solve. I propose the outcome would

have been different had the problem been labeled “unsolvable”.

What if your marriage seems “unsolvable”? How will you use your talents

and energy? Will it be a life or death struggle where you leave no stone

unturned and try and explore every possible avenue determined to

succeed? Or will you spend endless hours pondering the pros and cons

of divorce? The very peace and happiness you long for may be

sabotaged by the distraction of energy that “if” requires.

You are not alone and there is hope. A study headed by University of

Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found that two-thirds of unhappily married

spouses who stayed married reported they were happy five years later.Even among those who said they were very unhappy, 80% reported being happily married five years later.

Wake up each day praying for God to give you the strength to be the best

spouse you can be and that He gives you hope and the strength to

persevere. Read a book on how one spouse can change a marriage. (email

me and I’ll send you a list). Reduce or eliminate conversations with

people you know who won’t support and encourage your marriage. Find a

mature happily married person of the same sex to be a mentor and keep

you focused on what you need to do. Go to counseling to work on your

part, with or without your spouse.

God is bigger than the problems in your marriage. He will help you solve

the unsolvable. Fight negative “if” thinking. The breakthrough that you

need may be around the next bend in the road.

-William L. Rush, Ph.D.,LP

SEX Starved and Angry….Now What?

Dear Dr. Bill,
We have a huge problem in our marriage of 8 years and two wonderful
kids. I am much more interested our physical relationship than my wife is
and it’s making me crazy. I resent that everything with her gets higher
priority than my needs and when I try to talk about it, she turns it around
on me and says sex is all that matters to me and that I am only interested
in her when its about sex. While that is not true, I can’t seem to ever get
that point made with her. I feel really trapped. If I bring up the subject, it
always ends badly and if I don’t, nothing ever happens. Either way it
results in my needs not being met. She has a list of my problems which
are to blame for our sexless (well almost) marriage. She says I am not
emotionally available, work too much, and don’t help out nearly enough
with the kids. Come on, I’m a guy! I’m not exactly sure what a
metrosexual is, but it is certainly not me. Any suggestions for convincing
my wife to change her priorities? Don’t I have some “biblical” right in all of
this?

Dear Not a Metrosexual,
I agree you have a problem and you are not alone. Michelle Weiner
Davis, in her book, The Sex Starved Marriage describes every marriage
as having a high desire spouse and a low desire spouse. I am guessing
that about 60% of the time, the high desire spouse is the guy. It surprises
many how often the high desire spouse is the woman. If the difference in
desire between both partners is significant, it creates a serious problem.
This is not a simple biological difference. The proof is that most marriages
don’t start out with this problem. You may bitterly remember that it wasn’t
always this way.
What has happened? The answer is that marriage is a complex system.
Think of it as an engine. A lot of things need to be working right for it to
start during a cold Minnesota morning. Have one of a dozen things
broken or out of balance, and it’s a no go. Cold, alone and going
nowhere. Same as you in your marriage. When I counsel couples, I
always ask the one who is bothered by something to look inside first.
They usually hate that. But how are you contributing to the problem that
bothers you so much? I can tell you from your letter. You are angry,
resentful, blaming and almost certainly adding in a liberal dose of guilt and
pressure. You are keeping score, probably punishing at times and
selfishly putting your needs first. Image you have been dating a beautiful
woman for the past six months. Now imagine you have been treating her
exactly like you have treated your wife for the last six months. How’s that
dating romance going now? Exactly.

You have had a very human reaction to your needs not being met. “My
back is not being scratched, so why should I scratch hers”. Human yes,
but a reaction which usually leads to a negative spiral in marriage. And
while we’re being honest, I think you are on pretty thin biblical ice as well.
I know about the verse which the high desire spouses always quote about
not withholding our bodies from one another. For now, it will help you the
most to focus on loving your wife as Christ loved the church (Eph. 5:25)
and being patient and kind and not keeping records of wrongs (ICor 13).
Your wife is also playing a role in this and I’ll address her part in a future
column. For now, its time the engine of your marriage had its oil changed.
Flush out the bitterness and begin dating your wife again. It is the right
thing to do and it will make a difference.